I've officially been traveling for 34 days. It may all seem wonderful, but travel is tough. Don't get me wrong, I chose this path of adventure and of being away from everything familiar for 90 days, but it's not all sunshine and puppy dogs. As exhilarating as travel is, it's also exhausting.
Well, yesterday I hit my wall. I was flying from Christchurch to Sydney, flight time wasn't bad, less than 4 hours, then I had to catch a ferry to Manly, and then I walked (20 mins) to my friends apartment by the beach. Total time between returning the rental car in Chch and arriving in Manly it was a full 12 hour day. Let's rewind for a moment though, as 12 hours of travel is NADA, when I think about the 18 hour flight from Houston to Auckland I survived a month ago. However, let's think about it in the following terms: one month on the road, zero routine, zero familiarity, small comforts few and far between, missing two large holidays, introduce another time zone, and oh yea ... missing loved ones dearly. So needless to say I spent a good portion of the day in tears. I've highly enjoyed my journey abroad thus far, but it also has taken it's toll. I feel disconnected from all those dear to me. The lack of routine is OK, but when it's everyday, it's hard for your mind and body to really react in a manner you'd like it to. I haven't been physically practicing as much as I would like to on my mat either, thank goodness my meditation game is strong. And when I can't commit to a daily asana practice that always makes me feel guilty. I have been very active with hiking, biking, running, and dance parties with Katy but quality time with my mat has been suffering. And yes, I did practice a good deal in Chch at a heated studio, but I needed some real mat time. You know, the kind of practice where you are so in the zone that you completely forget about everything and anything. Letting your breath be your true guide, as nothing else in that moment matters. All the stress, fatigue, and worries, drip away in the same way a bead of sweat falls from your brow. So that's exactly what I did. Since I have the apartment to myself for the next few days I have some quality alone time. So, I rolled out my mat, got some jams going on Spotify, and lost myself for over two hours working every inch of my body, as I moved to my breath, and worked though all the things that have been eating away at me since I left. Pratice felt great, I was convinced this was what I needed to set things straight.
I slept shitty. Yep, about 4 hours of sleep I'd say? I woke early around 6:30 AEDT and rolled out my mat. A few sun A's and B's and then it was time for my morning espresso. As I sat on my friends couch I closed my eyes, and just started to breathe. I remembered what one of my teachers once told me from the book 'Leap Before you Look':
"Become aware of the movement of the breath. Without trying to change it in any way. Watch the breath come in. Just before the in-breath turns into the out-breath, notice the small gap. Then watch the breath go all the way out ... Pay attention to these gaps. Be present in the gaps. And present as the gap."
One breath to the next, one heartbeat to another. If you quiet your mind, you can find that space. I found the space today, and in that space I discovered my stress, insecurities, worries, and sadness that had been plaguing me for the past several days and decades. But, I also found love, courage, and strength. It's funny this time of year people make 'Resolutions' for the year to come. I gave that practice up a long time ago, I prefer to set intentions, which arguably could be considered one in the same. As I thought more about this, it's not about the resolutions we make, but becoming resolute - more determined and focused on those goals or intentions -- call them what you'd like. I know for me I want to let go of fear, but a lot of this trip has to do with fear. I posted on facebook on New Years Day the following:
Last night we wrote down what we wanted to let go of from 2016. When I sat down to think about it I realized that fear had been a huge theme woven throughout the past year. Fear of surgery; fear of traveling abroad for 90 days; fear of falling in love and loving in return; fear of failure; I choose to let that all go. Because when I reflect back yes - I was scared, but I also triumphed all of those fears. FEAR has two meanings, 'Forget Everything And Run' or 'Face Everything And Rise'. Let's Rise!
To state the obvious, we are constantly working to improve ourselves, we can't expect miracles overnight. While, I have made progress in my fears this past year, I still have a road ahead of me. Do I expect those fears to be over at the end of my 90 day journey? I think not, but I hope to have a jump start on letting them go.
After finding the gaps, I made a few calls back home, and set out on my day. I ran a 5k around Manly Beach, went to a fantastic yoga class at Power Living yoga, strolled through the shops, stuck my toes in the sand, and let the ocean breeze caress my face. Oh yea, and I also drank a pint of Lager from a local Microbrewery in town called 4 Pines - who knew Lager was food for the soul? The spaces between breaths can often reveal so much to us.
